Let's talk about pregnancy.
For realz.
As of my last post, I quite foolishly thought I was well past the plague known as the first trimester. We didn't know the gender yet and I was ignorantly thinking that the rest of my pregnancy would be smooth sailing. I also thought I was HUGE. Ha.
Well. At least I was optimistic?
Let's start with the good things. Our growing baby is healthy, awesome, and did I say healthy? Also, she's a SHE! (Sorry to all those who voted for velociraptor: her skeletal structure is decidedly human.) I have also been given a clean bill of health, and been told that I am healthy, and awesome. So there's that. With me and the baby fitting some supposed "normal" bell curve of health and all screenings and tests coming back peachy-normal-keen, I've been left to face the reality that it is normal and healthy to feel like I have the plague. Yay... normal...
There really are some awesome things about being pregnant. It is mostly an automated system, so even when I feel like crap I am reassured that by body knows what it's doing and the baby is growing. I'm feeling her kick a lot which is really an amazing feeling. And knowing that both me and the baby are healthy is more than I could hope for. I don't love being pregnant, but I love knowing I have my own little bundle of awesome growing and in a few more months she'll take the world by storm.
But let's get real. I mean, really real. Let's talk about the most biologically unhelpful side effects of pregnancy so far. While my body may know what it's doing, I'm pretty sure biology was drunk when thinking of "side effects of pregnancy."
1) Exhaustion. While it is totally logical that a woman who is growing an entire human being (not to mention a uteran-house for it to grow safely in and giant soul sucking placenta to feed it) from scratch should be exhausted... well biology that is very unhelpful. A newly pregnant woman has the biggest secret of her life to keep, a physical home in the outside world to make ready for the newbie she's making, and a husband to coach through the emotional shock of a well thought out and planned for event coming to pass.
2) Nausea. At a time when nutrition is most critical, let's make the mother so physically sick to her stomach that donuts, white bread, and chocolate are the only things that sound remotely appetizing. Then let's have her barf those up because probably she shouldn't have that many calories while making a person. Not helpful, biology... not helpful.
3) Heartburn. Burning hell fire heartburn from Hades. I'm not really sure what biology was thinking when it thought "Hey, let's give an exhausted, nauseous woman heartburn so bad that she can't lay down for a good night's sleep. Oh and as extra bonus, let's make her gag on antacids!" Again with the unhelpful!
4) Really efficient, squished bladder. Ok, I get it, the growing baby and accessories have to go somewhere... but did it have to be right on top of the bladder (which by the way is now working overtime thanks to the suddenly highly efficient kidneys?) I'm pretty sure biology thought "we better find a way to get momma to wake up in the middle of the night, otherwise she might recover from being exhausted."
5) Rampant emotions. How, HOW is it helpful to have the same hormones that cause the mama to be ferociously bonded and protective of her new little one be the ones that cause tears to fall over Subaru commercials, irate behavior over dirty dishes, and irrational middle of the night worry sessions? Just when we need her to be calm, cool, and collected she's suddenly irrational, hysterical, and let's face it down right batty.
6) Excessive histamines. Just in case the heartburn, and nausea, senseless worry, and peeing weren't keeping the mother up all night, biology thought to throw in a extra dose of histamines that will cause chronic coughing, itchy eyes, and runny nose. OH! And biology remembered to make her take prescriptions to combat these symptoms, but to have those prescriptions cause side effects like dry mouth which will compound the nausea. Congratulations on being completely unhelpful, biology.
7) Migraines. It is going to take every last ounce of effort the mother has to cope with the aforementioned side effects of pregnancy. But biology wanted to throw in an extra hurdle for those over-achievers out there and make migraines hit in full force at a time when the mother is not allowed much in the way of pain relievers.
Go home, biology. You're drunk.
